


Tahiti or Bust

by McKay



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-05 00:31:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11002203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McKay/pseuds/McKay
Summary: Snape and Lupin have both returned to Hogwarts after the war, and Severus is dismayed to find his life returning full circle in more ways than one.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2007.

If people thought Hogwarts was an odd place under Albus Dumbledore's administration, it became even odder under Minerva McGonagall's. That she had hired Harry Potter to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts was met with general approval - until he began influencing her other new hires and decisions regarding the staff. Trelawney had sobered up and run off to Italy, leaving Firenze to teach Divination full time. Hagrid had immigrated to France to marry Madam Maxine, and young Potter had suggested taking advantage of the new, conciliatory post-war laws and hiring Remus Lupin to teach Care of Magical Creatures. That had caused a murmuring amongst the general public, but the murmur swelled to an outcry when the last new hire was made to fill the vacant Potions position.  
  
Severus Snape.  
  
Severus knew Potter and McGonagall thought they were doing him a favor, but the truth was, they had interrupted his plans to scarper off to Tahiti. He didn't want to teach again, but they had strong-armed him into it with talk of preparing future generations (and it did seem a new dark lord came along every generation or so, thus it wasn't bloody likely they'd seen the last of Voldemort's type even if Voldemort himself was little more than dust) and healing the wounds and ravages of war. The final twist of the knife was when they talked about what Albus would have wanted and pointed out he owed the Wizarding world a debt for what he had taken away from it - a debt he could repay by teaching young witches and wizards how to defend themselves.  
  
Thus Severus found himself back at Hogwarts, but he refused to return to the dungeon. One condition of his return was that the potions classroom, his office, and his personal quarters were to be moved elsewhere in the castle, somewhere above ground. He also refused to visit or even look at the Astronomy Tower, and he refused to visit McGonagall in her office. If she wished to speak to him, she had to seek him out, but he wasn't difficult to find because he rarely left his little portion of the castle, refusing to take meals in the Great Hall as well.  
  
The students were due to arrive the next day, and Severus was dreading the noisy, boisterous invasion. At least teaching would provide a distraction from the memories, but he wasn't happy about it. He was trapped again, faced with the onerous task of trying to teach thick-skulled idiots who cared nothing about learning, surrounded by memories, and alone. In spite of being pardoned, everyone still looked at him askance, and he suspected McGonagall and Potter had hired him so they could keep an eye on him beneath their claims of altruism.  
  
But he dutifully went through the old, familiar routine of checking the cupboards and equipment to make certain the classroom was well-stocked and making a list of things he thought he might need more of to give to one of the house elves because he didn't intend to venture into Hogsmeade by himself. There were too many people who wanted retribution, pardon or not.  
  
"Hello, Severus."  
  
The familiar voice made Severus' back stiffen, but he didn't turn around to acknowledge the speaker.  
  
"It's been a long time."  
  
He could hear footsteps, slow and measured, on the stone floor and knew Lupin was moving closer, but he still refused to turn around.  
  
"I thought you might at least come and say hello since we're going to be working together again, but I see I was wrong. You seem to have been avoiding everything and everyone - including me."  
  
"Why shouldn't I?" The words burst out unbidden, sharply laced with bitterness. "You moved on with your life quickly enough. I've every right to do the same."  
  
"But you aren't moving on, are you. It seems to me you're right back where you started, only worse because you're holing up in here like a wounded animal."  
  
"You would know all about _that_ ," Severus retorted, clenching his fist around the parchment in his hand.  
  
But the barb bounced off Lupin's thick hide as it always did, and all Severus heard in response was a low chuckle. "I know something about pain, yes. I felt rather a lot of it once upon a time."  
  
Severus flinched at the feel of Lupin's hand lighting on his shoulder and stroking slowly down his back, but he refused to show weakness by moving away.  
  
"You didn't even tell _me_."  
  
"I couldn't, and you know it," Severus snapped. "People had to believe it was real, even you. That was the whole point. Pain, my arse," he snarled. "You didn't waste a moment mourning _my_ loss."  
  
"I was in shock, and she took advantage of an opportunity."  
  
"And you let her."  
  
"I did, yes." Lupin's hand fell away from his back, and Severus breathed a sigh of relief, thinking Lupin had given up - until he felt Lupin's hand clamp down on his shoulder again and spin him around. He found himself face-to-face with Lupin, whose expression was uncharacteristically implacable. "It was a mistake, just as being here with you again and allowing things to continue like this would be a mistake."  
  
Severus was about to squawk a protest, but whatever he might have said was muffled by the crush of Lupin's lips and transmuted into a low, reluctant moan at the familiar taste and feel of Lupin's mouth. Lupin herded him backward until he hit the wall none too gently, trapped between the cold stones and Lupin's warm body, a familiar sensation that sent shudders rippling down his spine.  
  
At first, he held still, thinking perhaps if he didn't respond, Lupin would give up, but Lupin's kisses were wearing him down, making him want to know if Lupin's hair still felt as thick and soft as it once had and if he could still make Lupin weak in the knees by biting that certain spot beneath his ear. But Lupin had abandoned him with everyone else and gone off with _her_ , and Severus couldn't forgive or forget that.  
  
Pride forced him to struggle, but he was no match for Lupin's wiry strength; Lupin captured his wrists and pinned them over his head easily, transferring them to one hand so he could slide his now-free hand between their bodies and unfasten Severus' trousers.  
  
"Stop this! Leave me alone, damn you!" Severus demanded, squirming desperately to get away, but to no avail. They were eye-to-eye, and Severus could see the wolf rising in Lupin's eyes; in times gone past, he would have moaned and offered his throat, but not now. Not ever again.  
  
"Wooing you with patience and sweet words is out of the question." There was a feral tilt to Lupin's smile. "I know what you need."  
  
Growling, Lupin swooped in and captured his mouth again, and it was all Severus could do not to sag against the wall and give in. He did need this; he needed it and wanted it, and in the endless cold nights during the war, he had dreamed about it, his memories the only thing that kept him sane and whole while he walked the treacherous tightrope Albus had pushed him onto.  
  
Lupin curled his warm fingers around Severus' cock, stroking it in all the right ways to make Severus writhe and gasp. _He remembers_ , Severus thought faintly amid the haze of pleasure and need swirling around him. He couldn't even muster the will to hold out and make a show of reluctance because it had been too long, and he had missed the feel of Lupin's hands (and tongue and cock) too much. Desire was overwhelming good sense, and in no time, he was rocking his hips to match the rhythm of Lupin's hand, and his cry was muffled by Lupin's tongue in his mouth when he came.  
  
"Do you still want me to leave you alone?" Lupin asked softly when he pulled away at last.  
  
Torn between fury and embarrassment at having been manipulated so easily, Severus had no trouble mustering vitriol. "Yes! If you think that meant anything to me, you're mad. Leave me alone, Lupin. I want nothing to do with you anymore."  
  
Lupin released Severus' wrists and drew his wand, which gave Severus a moment of alarm until Lupin did nothing more than cast a cleaning charm before tucking Severus' limp cock back in and refastening his trousers. "I'm not deluding myself that you will make this easy for either of us in spite of the fact that we want the same thing. But we're here together, and I have both the time and patience to convince you to give us a second chance."  
  
With that, he turned and headed for the door, and Severus watched him go with equal measures of shock and dismay. Was it not enough that he had been brought back here to relive his past every day without Lupin pestering him added to the mix? Had he not done enough penance to satisfy whatever god of fate or justice that was watching over him?  
  
Debt be damned. Tahiti was looking better and better all the time.

* * *

Severus sat at his desk with his head in his hands, thinking about   
tropical breezes rustling the palm trees while tiny crabs scuttled   
on the sand and waves crashed rhythmically on the shore, the tide   
moving in and out... in and out... so slow and easy like the rhythmic   
thrust of Lupin's cock...  
  
No, wait. He didn't want to think about _that_.  
  
Still, better that than to think about his day, which had been bloody   
awful. It was the first day of the new term, and he had swept into   
his first class of the day, which was the Fourth Year Ravenclaws   
and Hufflepuffs. He had taught them before, of course; he had taught   
everyone who was Third Year and up. They had been here when it happened.  
  
He had refused to attend the Sorting Feast the night before; he   
had no desire to sit at the head table and be subject to stares   
and gossip, thus he had no idea how his presence would be greeted   
when he walked into the classroom that morning. He had been braced   
for anything up to and including mutiny.  
  
What had happened was that for the first time in his entire teaching   
career, no one uttered a single peep, everyone paid perfect attention   
to his instructions, and everyone brewed their first potion without   
procrastination. In short, they were all utterly terrified of the   
murderer who had been allowed back into the classroom to teach them.   
Any other time, he would have been delighted to have such order   
in his classroom, but he didn't want it like this.  
  
At first, he was morbidly amused and wondered if a rumor had circulated   
that he poisoned students who didn't perform well, but after dealing   
with a group of First Year Slytherins and Gryffindors who looked   
like a bunch of rabbits caught in headlights, he was no longer amused.   
It was only the first day, and he was already exhausted - mentally,   
physically, and emotionally. It was one thing to have his students   
fear him because he was intimidating; it was another thing entirely   
for them to be terrified of him to the point of shrinking away when   
he drew near their desks. He wasn't at all certain he could go through   
another day of this, much less a year. Or a lifetime.  
  
The creak of his office door swinging open alerted him to someone's   
arrival, and he drew himself up straight, gathering his masks and   
armor into place; it wasn't at all difficult to muster a glare when   
he saw Lupin walk in.  
  
"Don't you know how to knock?" he asked icily.  
  
"Sorry, I didn't think I would be interrupting anything," Lupin   
replied as he nudged the door closed with his foot and approached   
the desk, holding his hands behind his back as if he were concealing   
something. "It's a little too early for detentions and homework,   
isn't it?"  
  
"For you, perhaps. What do you want?" He folded his arms across   
his chest, fixing Lupin with his most quelling glare in hopes Lupin   
would state his business and be off. He was in no mood for company,   
especially not Lupin's.  
  
"I brought you something." Lupin removed his hands from behind his   
back and held out a small potted fern, smiling proudly. "A gift   
for your new office or your quarters. Wherever you want to put it."  
  
"The rubbish bin will do." Severus didn't lessen his glare in the   
slightest. "Go away and take your ridiculous gift with you. I don't   
need it, because I am not staying." The words were out and he had   
risen to his feet before he even realized he had made the decision.   
"I am going to tender my resignation to McGonagall."  
  
"What?" Lupin placed the fern on the desk, staring at Severus with   
obvious dismay. "I realize today must have been difficult for you,   
but it's only the first day. Things will get better."  
  
"Really. And how do you know that? Read it the tea leaves, did you?   
Or perhaps you and Firenze consulted the heavens." Severus' lip   
curled in a sneer. "It was foolish for McGonagall to bring a murderer   
to Hogwarts. I cannot perform my duties if all my students are constantly   
on the verge of fleeing or wetting their pants if I so much as look   
at them."  
  
"Give them time." Lupin skirted around the desk and rested his hand   
on Severus' arm, albeit lightly. "They'll settle down, and you'll   
be taking points and confiscating magazines and joke products by   
Halloween."  
  
Wrenching himself away from Lupin's touch, Severus fixed him with   
another icy glare. "How can you be so certain?"  
  
"Because most of them are just as leery about being taught by a   
werewolf," Lupin replied calmly. "You aren't the only one being   
whispered about this year, and they don't want me coming near them   
either. At least being a murderer isn't contagious."  
  
Severus sat down heavily in his chair again, and when he spoke,   
his voice sounded hollow even to his own ears. "I didn't want to   
come back here in the first place."  
  
"I know, but you are neither a coward nor a quitter." Lupin reached   
across the desk and broke off a long frond from the fern, twirling   
it between his thumb and forefinger. "Give it until Christmas."  
  
"And if things are no better by then?" Severus glanced up at him,   
one eyebrow raised.  
  
"Then do what you must for your own happiness. Whatever Minerva   
and Harry might think, you've done enough to atone, and you don't   
owe anybody anything."  
  
Severus blinked, startled to hear Lupin voice that sentiment in   
what sounded like a rather strident tone of voice; he wasn't accustomed   
to hearing anyone defend him or consider what he might want. On   
the contrary, most people seemed to think he had an obligation to   
abase himself and be grateful for the privilege of doing so. Lupin   
further startled him by lightly running the bit of fern frond along   
the line of his jaw, and the fresh scent of the greenery wafted   
to his nose.  
  
"In the meantime," Lupin said softly, continuing to stroke Severus'   
cheek and jaw with the fern, "I know a few ways to make the situation   
more bearable."  
  
"I already told you-"  
  
Lupin stopped the flow of words with a finger against his lips.   
"I know. You hate me, you'll never forgive me, etcetera, etcetera.   
Your protestations of disinterest in rebuilding our former relationship   
have been duly noted. But you've had a bad day, and I want to help,   
so hush and let me."  
  
With that, Lupin swiveled Severus' chair around and dropped to his   
knees, reaching out to unfasten Severus' trousers. Severus stared   
down at him, scarcely able to believe what was happening; he knew   
he ought to protest and put a stop to it, but the words wouldn't   
seem to come. After a day of feeling the weight of fear and revilement,   
after being made to feel so _unclean_ , he desperately needed   
to feel like a human again rather than like a monster. Thus he held   
still and clutched the arms of his chair until his knuckles turned   
white while Lupin trailed the frond along the length of his cock,   
somehow managing to tickle and arouse him at the same time.  
  
Lupin continued to tease his cock and balls with the fern until   
he was squirming, heat flooding his face; he could feel sweat trickling   
beneath his clothes, and he wanted Lupin to do _something_   
with his hands or his mouth; it didn't matter which, but Severus   
would be damned if he would ask for it. At length, Lupin glanced   
up and smiled wistfully.  
  
"Ever the same," he murmured, but before Severus could puzzle out   
what he meant by that cryptic remark, he swooped down and took Severus'   
cock in his mouth, and Severus couldn't hold back a low groan at   
the exquisite pleasure of being engulfed in wet heat.  
  
Lupin lapped and sucked, seeming ravenous for the taste of Severus'   
flesh, and Severus let his legs fall open wider, his breath coming   
in ragged gasps as he watched Lupin feast upon him. The sight of   
Lupin's lips, wet and rosy, sliding up and down the length of his   
cock kindled fire in his belly; no one but Lupin had ever touched   
him with such enthusiasm, and he had forgotten just how intense   
Lupin's hunger could be. He was being forcibly reminded now, however,   
as Lupin drove him to the edge again and again, letting him hover   
only to bring him back until he was moaning continuously, helpless   
against Lupin's sensual onslaught, and when Lupin relented at last   
and let him come, it was explosive, a fiery detonation that wrenched   
a sharp cry from his throat and left him boneless and replete.  
  
Sitting back on his heels, Lupin tucked Severus back into his trousers   
and fastened them again. Then he rose and bent to capture Severus'   
lips in a slow, gentle kiss, letting Severus taste himself on his   
tongue. "Thank you, Severus," he murmured against Severus' mouth.  
  
Severus stared up at him, bewildered. "Why are you thanking me?"  
  
Lupin straightened and dropped the frond in Severus' lap, the fresh   
green leaves standing out in stark contrast to the inky black fabric   
of Severus' trousers, and he smiled again with no trace of wryness   
or wistfulness this time. "For letting me feel human again too."  
  
With that, he departed, and Severus was left alone again, but not   
quite so lonely as he had been.

* * *

In the wake of Lupin's visit, Severus realized it was entirely possible   
Lupin might wear him down if he kept allowing Lupin to bring him   
off. He was only human, and he had all the usual needs and desires   
the flesh was heir to. It would be easier and safer if he took care   
of such needs himself as he had done most of his life, but his body   
refused to be satisfied with solitary wanking after it had been   
reminded of how well Lupin knew how to please it, and Severus found   
himself with a dull, yearning ache even after he brought himself   
off. His body wanted Lupin's hands and tongue exploring it, and   
it wanted Lupin's cock buried deep inside it, and it wouldn't be   
satisfied with anything less.  
  
As if that wasn't enough, his heart was collaborating with his body.   
After over a year of dormancy, the damned contrary organ had come   
to life when Lupin walked into his classroom and said he wanted   
to resume their relationship. Now it was beating hopefully, quickening   
every time he caught sight of Lupin and pining wistfully in Lupin's   
absence. It wanted to feel complete again, and it could only feel   
that way when Severus was in Lupin's arms.  
  
Thus his body and heart were in accord about what they wanted; Severus'   
head was the hold-out, and Severus considered it the most sensible   
of the lot. It was reminding him that Lupin hadn't wasted any time   
in taking up with _her_ , and while there was one question his   
heart burned to ask, his head was terrified of the answer.  
  
Internally divided and at war with himself, Severus thought the   
best option was to keep his distance, and if Lupin tried to touch   
him again, he would definitely _not_ allow it. On that point,   
he was adamant. He didn't want to risk giving in and trusting ( _and  
loving_ , his heart whispered) Lupin again only to find himself   
pushed aside if a better deal came along.  
  
The problem was that it was damned difficult to ignore someone when   
Severus never went beyond his office, quarters, and classroom -   
and Lupin knew it. There was also the small matter of McGonagall   
having insisted that he brew the Wolfsbane Potion for Lupin again,   
which meant contact whether he liked it or not because of course   
Lupin insisted on picking up the potion himself instead of letting   
a house elf deliver it.  
  
This time, at least, Lupin knocked before entering Severus' office,   
and Severus gestured vaguely to the steaming goblet sitting on the   
corner of his desk, ignoring Lupin and especially ignoring the smile   
that lit up Lupin's face when he noticed the fern was hanging by   
the window. Severus had thought it would be a senseless waste to   
throw away the plant just because it came from Lupin; he might need   
it for a potion one day, after all. That was all there was to it,   
and he intended to make that point clear to Lupin if he asked.  
  
Unfortunately, Lupin didn't say anything about it; he merely picked   
up the goblet and drank the potion, and then he wiped his mouth   
and murmured, "Thank you, Severus."  
  
Severus gave a noncommittal grunt, not looking up from the stack   
of essays he was marking, and he fervently hoped Lupin would take   
the hint and leave, but Lupin did not. Instead, Lupin cast a cleaning   
charm on the goblet and put it down, and then he stood and watched   
Severus in silence for a few minutes, which Severus found increasingly   
unnerving. If this was some kind of ploy to get Severus to stop   
and give him attention by asking what he wanted, Severus was determined   
to thwart him.  
  
"I've missed your hands," Lupin said at last in the kind of casual   
tone one might use to remark upon the weather.  
  
Startled, Severus glanced up and frowned at him. "What?"  
  
"Your hands," Lupin repeatedly patiently. "I've missed them."  
  
Severus' frown deepened. What kind of stupid game was this? There   
was nothing special about his hands.  
  
"You have such long, graceful fingers," Lupin continued, a small,   
wistful smile tugging the corners of his mouth. "I always liked   
watching them in motion. I especially liked watching you touch me.   
You're a very intense lover, and you always seemed so very focused   
when we made love, especially when you were touching me, as if you   
were determined to get it right." He paused, and his smile widened   
marginally. "For the record, you always did."  
  
Severus felt a rush of heat flooding his face, and he glanced down,   
refusing to acknowledge the memories Lupin's words evoked. It no   
longer mattered that he had enjoying exploring Lupin's body, mapping   
out all the most sensitive places so he would know where to touch   
to make Lupin writhe and moan. He had indeed been trying to "get   
it right" because he had wanted to please Lupin. He was utter pants   
at expressing himself aloud, and the only way he had known how to   
show Lupin how he felt was with sex. But those days were over, he   
thought with a proud tilt of his chin.  
  
"I am not interesting in taking a stroll down memory lane with you,   
Lupin," he said with all the hauteur he could muster.  
  
"The problem with you, Severus," Lupin continued as if Severus hadn't   
even spoken, "is that you have too many buttons." He moved around   
to Severus' side of the desk with what Severus couldn't help but   
think of as a predatory gait, and he repressed a shiver at the sight.   
"Literally and figuratively. You bind yourself up in all these layers   
so no one can get close." Lupin stretched out one hand and ran his   
forefinger along the length of small, black buttons lining the front   
of Severus' frock coat. "But you let me in once."  
  
"And look where it got me," Severus retorted, glaring defiantly   
up at Lupin.  
  
"Happy," Lupin replied. "You seemed as happy as you could be while   
walking Dumbledore's tightrope."  
  
Severus fell silent and lowered his gaze to his lap, unable to think   
of a suitably withering response that wouldn't be an outright lie.   
He _had_ been happy; he had found a peace unlike he had ever   
known before in Lupin's bed. In Lupin's arms. His heart beat faster,   
yearning to be back where it had felt whole and healthy, but he   
ignored it. He had let his guard down once, and it had cost him   
dearly; he would not make that mistake again.  
  
"How can you breathe wrapped up so tightly like this?" Lupin murmured,   
unfastening the top buttons at Severus' throat. "You must feel stifled.   
Doesn't your skin long to be free?"  
  
"No." Severus shook his head, but even he could tell there was little   
conviction in his voice, and Lupin continued to unfasten the buttons   
of both Severus' jacket and his shirt underneath.  
  
"Just as warm as I remember." Lupin's voice was soft, and his fingers   
were gentle as he stroked the narrow V of skin he had uncovered.   
He slipped his hand beneath the concealing garments, seeking out   
Severus' nipples and teasing them lightly, and Severus recoiled,   
batting Lupin's hands away and snatching the folds of fabric closed.   
"Come now, Severus," Lupin chided him mildly, reaching for his hands   
to pull them away. "It isn't anything I haven't seen before."  
  
Fear rose up within Severus, smothering him, and he shook his head   
wildly. He couldn't let Lupin strip away his armor; he couldn't   
let Lupin touch him. If he did that, he would be lost again, and   
he had lost so much already thanks to the war and what he had been   
asked to do. He didn't dare give in - didn't dare give away another   
part of himself to someone who had been negligent before when he   
had so little left.  
  
"No!" He lashed out, shoving Lupin even though he knew Lupin could   
overpower him easily, but instead of pinning him, Lupin straightened   
and backed away, his expression alarmed.  
  
"It's all right," Lupin said, holding up both hands in a placating   
gesture. "I won't force you to do anything you don't want. You're   
safe, I promise."  
  
Severus eyed Lupin warily as he refastened all the buttons and straightened   
his clothes, and then he took a deep breath and released it slowly   
as he smoothed his hands down the front of his jacket. "I have work   
to do," he said in his coldest, firmest voice, refusing to be embarrassed   
or cowed by what had happened; it was not _his fault_ Lupin   
had pushed his attentions on him unwanted.  
  
He lifted his gaze to meet Lupin's, disconcerted to see what appeared   
to be concern mingled with sorrow in Lupin's eyes; beneath the calm   
exterior, Lupin seemed as lost and empty as Severus was himself,   
and it disconcerted Severus even more to realize he could still   
read Lupin well enough to recognize that.  
  
"Go away!" he demanded, curling his fingers into fists in his lap,   
and Lupin nodded slowly.  
  
"Thank you again for the potion," Lupin murmured.  
  
"I'll have tomorrow's dose delivered to you," Severus said, his   
tone brooking no argument.  
  
Lupin hesitated, and then he nodded, his shoulders slumping in seeming   
resignation. "As you wish."  
  
With that, he turned and departed, leaving Severus alone as requested,   
and to Severus, the room suddenly seemed a great deal colder and   
emptier than before.


	2. Chapter 2

For a time, Severus' life was peaceful. _Utterly boring and lonely_ ,   
his heart said, but Severus ignored it. The important thing in his   
opinion was that Lupin was leaving him alone, and he no longer had   
to worry about unwanted intrusions or advances. He still refused   
to take his meals in the Great Hall or move beyond his office, classroom,   
and quarters for any reason; if he wanted a book from the library,   
he had Madam Pince deliver it, and the Bloody Baron stopped by occasionally   
to keep him abreast of pertinent news from around the castle, especially   
Slytherin.  
  
Severus had not been given the position of Head of Slytherin again,   
and considering how the students, even the Slytherins who had once   
been his charges, reacted to him, it was little wonder. The position   
had been given to the new Transfiguration master, Edward Dippet,   
descendant of the Dippet who had once been Headmaster and a former   
Slytherin whom Severus had taught some ten years before. By all   
accounts, he was doing a decent job as both teacher and Head of   
House, which gave Severus some small measure of annoyance. He would   
rather have heard the man was utterly incompetent.  
  
"The students think you're mad," the Bloody Baron said, leaning   
over to breathe in the steam from the cup of tea Severus had placed   
before him. He couldn't drink it, of course, but he could savor   
the essence of it in the steam. "The staff think you've become a   
drunk like Trelawney. You ought to get out more and prove them wrong."  
  
"I have nothing to prove to anyone," Severus replied, drawing himself   
up proudly.  
  
The Baron merely shrugged and breathed in more tea.  
  
By mid-October, the students seemed less wary of him, although he   
still had the most quiet and orderly classes in the entire school,   
and the Baron reported with dark amusement that others on the staff   
envied him for it. For his part, Severus considered it a mixed blessing;   
on the one hand, he never had to worry whether they were paying   
attention or not, but on the other, he hadn't been able to take   
a single point for misbehavior no matter how much he wanted to.   
In years past, he would have had nearly an entire drawer full of   
confiscated items ranging from Quidditch magazines to Zonko products.   
This year, he didn't have so much as a single Weasley Wheeze.  
  
The office he'd been given had a view of the Quidditch pitch in   
the distance, and sometimes he caught sight of the teams practicing,   
although they were too far away for him to discern much more than   
tiny figures zooming around on broomstick. The weather was cool   
and crisp, the sky taking on the muted cast of autumn - Severus'   
favorite time of year. Once upon a time, he might have taken walks   
on the grounds, perhaps ventured a little ways into the Forbidden   
Forest, but not this year. He refused to go out and subject himself   
to being stared at, whispered about, or coldly ignored.  
  
Without Lupin dropping by, no living person visited him anymore,   
thus it was a surprise when he heard a knock on his office door   
one afternoon. He glanced up, viciously squashing the flare of hope   
that it might be Lupin, and he ignored the sinking feeling in the   
pit of his stomach when he saw it was McGonagall instead.  
  
"Good afternoon, Severus." She approached his desk slowly, and he   
peered at her, trying to figure out what she might want from him   
now; he thought she had given up trying to force him to eat in the   
Great Hall with everyone else.  
  
"Good afternoon, Headmistress," he replied, setting down his quill.   
"What do you want?"  
  
Her mouth tightened slightly as if with disapproval, but Severus   
didn't care if the reminder of their strained relations bothered   
her; she was the one who had made it all too clear she thought he   
owed atonement and abasement, probably because she hadn't forgiven   
him herself.  
  
"I thought you might like to know Gryffindor are playing Slytherin   
this Saturday," she said stiffly.  
  
He stared at her blankly. "And?"  
  
"And I thought you might like to come out of your little cocoon   
and start acting like a normal person, you foolish man," she snapped,   
bracing her fists on her hips as she glared over the top of her   
little rectangular glasses at him. "It has been weeks, and you are   
still holed up in here. I thought you would have poked your nose   
out by now."  
  
"Why should I?" Severus rose to his feet and leaned forward, flattening   
his palms on the desk as he matched her glare for glare. "I have   
no incentive to 'poke my nose out', as you so charmingly put it."  
  
"There is life beyond these walls," she said, gesturing to the bare   
stone walls, unadorned by anything other than bookshelves. "I realize   
it has been a difficult adjustment-"  
  
"Difficult!" Severus drew himself up straight, huffing with indignation.   
"I did not want to return here at all, and if you and Potter hadn't   
practically forced me into it by reminding me of what I owe to the   
world, I would be far away from this school - away from this country   
and all the people and places that remind me every day of the hell   
my entire life has been and continues to be!"  
  
"Running away never solved anything," she retorted.  
  
"But starting over anew sometimes does." He folded his arms, fixing   
her with an implacable stare. "I wanted to put it all behind me,   
but thanks to you, I am here where the memories are most vivid.   
You have not done me any favors, although I dare say you think yourself   
quite altruistic. I do hope you and Potter don't strain your arms   
while patting yourselves on the back over how charitable you've   
been to old Snape."  
  
McGonagall lifted her chin, her lips practically disappearing as   
she thinned them into a hard line. "And I hope you find a way to   
extricate your head from your own arse. I came here to say you have   
a place in the staff box for Saturday's match. That is all."  
  
She turned and marched away, her heels ringing on the stone floors,   
and after she had gone, Severus sank down into his chair again and   
tugged open the bottom drawer of his desk. Reaching in, he pulled   
out a handful of travel brochures, and he lost himself in thoughts   
of white sand and warm sun, far away from everything and everyone   
he had ever known.  
  
When Saturday arrived, he entertained a vague notion about attending   
the match, but in the end, he decided against it. He wasn't comfortable   
with the thought of being in the middle of such a crowd; even on   
school property, he wouldn't feel safe, and he wasn't inclined to   
endure stares and gossip. Perversely, he also didn't care to give   
McGonagall the satisfaction of thinking she was being a do-gooder   
again by drawing poor old Snape out of his shell. If it was bothering   
her, so much the better.  
  
Severus heard that Flitwick was put in charge of the Hallowe'en   
decorations this year, but Severus refused to allow any such nonsense   
in his office or classroom; he had plenty of ghosts and demons already,   
and he had no intention of participating anyway, not even Sir Nicholas'   
Death Day party to which the Baron had extended an invitation, saying   
Severus was welcome to join them if he thought it would suit his   
mood better than the festivities of the living.  
  
He intended to spend the evening as he spent every evening: reading   
for an hour or two by the fireplace and then going to bed. However,   
he had no sooner settled into his chair by the hearth when he was   
interrupted by a knock on his door. Unlike his office, no one could   
barge in; they had to wait until he opened the door to admit them,   
and he was tempted to ignore the summons and let whoever it was   
cool their heels in the corridor until they gave up and went away.   
But curiosity got the better of him, and he rose, strode over to   
the door, and flung it open - and was startled to see Lupin standing   
there wearing a long dressing gown.  
  
"Aren't you meant to be at the revelries?" Severus drawled.  
  
"I wanted to show you my costume," Lupin replied, edging past Severus   
and into the room, and Severus stepped aside quickly before Lupin's   
body could brush against his. Once inside, Lupin untied the sash   
of his dressing gown and let the garment fall open, and Severus   
found himself gaping, his jaw in danger of dropping at what he saw.  
  
Lupin's body was artfully bound in green and silver silk ribbons   
that had been woven in careful patterns, his nipples, navel, and   
cock outlined by a diamond shape. The ribbons enhanced the lines   
of his body, somehow managing to conceal as much as they revealed,   
and Severus felt a sudden overwhelming desire to trace the diamond   
patterns with his tongue.  
  
"That..." He swallowed hard, his mouth gone dry. "That is not a   
costume."  
  
"Oh, you're of the no costume is still no costume school?" Lupin   
shrugged out of his dressing gown and let it pool at his feet, standing   
unabashedly (almost) naked before Severus. "Well, I suppose it isn't   
suitable for the students to see, but I thought you might appreciate   
it." He held out his hands, and Severus saw a length of ribbon trailing   
from each wrist, one green and one silver. "I'm giving control over   
to you if you want it, Severus. Take the ribbons, and I'll do whatever   
you want."  
  
Severus reached out and ran the length of green ribbon through his   
fingers, his mind racing as he tried to decide whether or not to   
accept. For once, Lupin wasn't pushing him, and he supposed this   
was another tactic to get beneath Severus' defenses. The aggressive   
approach hadn't worked, and so perhaps this might. But it wasn't   
control Severus wanted, and what he did want, he was afraid to ask   
for. But it was difficult to think about playing it safe when Lupin   
was standing there, bound and waiting, offering him anything he   
wanted. Wanting to give rather than to take.  
  
"Will you answer my questions?" He glanced up at Lupin, his brow   
furrowed. "I will know if you lie."  
  
Lupin gave him a startled look as if he hadn't been expecting that,   
but then he nodded. "Ask me anything," he replied, meeting Severus'   
gaze steadily. "I will tell you the truth."  
  
"No prevaricating," Severus said firmly. They both excelled at that   
particular skill, and he knew full well Lupin was capable of being   
as evasive as any Slytherin.  
  
"No prevaricating." Lupin lifted his free hand to draw an X over   
his heart. "This is too important, and I don't want to lose you   
again."  
  
Severus scowled and shook his head, uncertain how to respond to   
that when he wasn't certain he believed it. "Very well. The first   
thing I want to know is why you have been pestering me. It should   
be obvious you have other options if you want sex."  
  
"If I just wanted sex, that would be true, but I don't." Lupin moved   
his hand in a quick motion so the ribbon Severus held looped around   
Severus' wrist. "I want more than sex. I want what we had. I want   
a relationship, and I want it to last this time."  
  
"Why?" Severus blurted, staring down at the ribbon around his wrist,   
connecting him to Lupin.  
  
"Because I still love you, foolish of me as it may be." Lupin stepped   
closer, close enough that Severus could feel the warmth radiating   
from his body, and Severus shivered, both from his proximity and   
his words. They were words Severus hadn't expected to hear, especially   
since neither he nor Lupin had uttered them the first time around.   
"I loved you then, and I love you now, and I will do whatever it   
takes to convince you to give me a second chance."  
  
"If that is true, then why did you take up with _her_?" Severus   
demanded, lifting his gaze and fixing Lupin with a fierce glare.   
"Why didn't you, of all people, have faith in me?"  
  
"As to the first, I was in shock over what had happened, and she   
made a sudden move in front of Molly, Minerva, and a host of others.   
She caught me off-guard, and by the time I felt steady enough to   
deal with anyone or anything, she was there, and people were treating   
us like a couple. I was not happy about it." Lupin lifted his arm   
and tugged on the ribbon connecting them, urging Severus closer.   
"But I was stunned and hurt. To this day, I couldn't tell you whether   
it hurt worse to think you had betrayed all of us and were on Voldemort's   
side or to think you knew this was coming and hadn't trusted me   
enough to tell me. To warn me."  
  
"I couldn't." Severus' glare faltered, and he looked away. "Dumbledore-"  
  
"Dumbledore didn't know about us," Lupin said sharply. "The mere   
fact that there was an 'us' made a difference. You could have prepared   
me. I would have learned Occlumency if necessary to protect your   
secret. I would have taken myself out of the pack. I would have   
done whatever I needed to do in order to protect you and be there   
for you and help you, but you - you abandoned me along with everyone   
else."  
  
"I didn't want you endangered by the information or such proximity   
to me!" Severus exclaimed.  
  
"I was already in danger! We were in the middle of war, in case   
you'd forgotten, and I was up to my ears in werewolf politics."   
Lupin shook his head, giving Severus an exasperated look. "How could   
you not think I would have helped you if I could?"  
  
"Because no one ever has!" Severus shut his mouth abruptly, irate   
with himself for revealing so much, especially when he saw Lupin's   
eyes fill with sympathy.  
  
"You underestimated me." Lupin lifted his free hand and trailed   
his fingertips along Severus' cheek. "You underestimated _us_.   
You went through so much alone, and it wasn't necessary. I was in   
agony thinking you had betrayed us, and when I finally realized   
you hadn't, I was in agony thinking about the danger you were in.   
I felt helpless."  
  
"How did you know?" Severus frowned, puzzled.  
  
"Bits and pieces finally clicked to form a bigger picture in my   
head." Lupin cradled Severus' cheek in his palm. "Mostly it was   
thinking back to things you had said and the way you behaved in   
the months before. Obviously there was something bothering you,   
and you seemed snappish with Dumbledore. You had ample opportunity   
to kill Dumbledore and Harry or even the entire Order if you had   
wanted to, so that seemed off to me as well. Mostly, though, it   
was a matter of faith because I knew you, and I trusted you. You   
are many things, not all of them good, but you are not evil."  
  
"You do know how to turn a man's head with flattery," Severus replied   
dryly, and Lupin chuckled.  
  
"You wanted the truth," he said with a little shrug, letting his   
hand fall away from Severus' face.  
  
Severus fell silent, all his questions answered save one - the one   
that frightened him most to ask. He met and held Lupin's gaze, desperate   
to know and just as desperate never to find out.  
  
"If she were still alive, would you be here now?"  
  
Lupin answered without hesitation. "Yes." He tugged the ribbon again,   
and Severus closed the distance between them, feeling light-headed   
as if all the air had suddenly gone out of the room. "Yes, I would   
be here. Yes, I would still want you. Yes, I would still love you.   
Yes."  
  
There was only one thing for Severus to do, and he did it. He captured   
Remus' face between his hands and kissed him, a kiss born of hunger   
and longing, and with a low moan, Remus parted his lips, returning   
the kiss in equal measure. After over a year of lonely separation,   
Severus couldn't get enough, and he let his hands roam Remus' body,   
wanting to touch everywhere all at once. But most of all, he wanted   
to make Remus come, to see Remus' face suffused with ecstasy that   
Severus had given him, to know that Remus was his, now and always.  
  
One kiss melted into another, hot and messy and wet, both of them   
too ravenous to care about finesse; there would be time for tender   
love-making later, but now, they were in the throes of desperate   
need, Remus yanking impatiently at Severus' clothes even as he once   
again herded Severus to the nearest wall. Severus pushed his hand   
between their bodies and curled his fingers around Remus' cock,   
fiercely satisfied by the cry that evoked, but it was his turn to   
cry out when Remus insinuated his thigh between Severus' legs and   
grabbed his hip, urging him to thrust.  
  
It was rough and awkward, and Severus was certain one of them was   
going to end up with abrasions, but he didn't care. The feel of   
Remus' hot, hard flesh in his hand was right and perfect, and he   
found a rhythm with his hips as he rubbed and thrust and ground   
against Remus' thigh that made his breath turn staccato. But he   
refused to close his eyes even as he felt himself hovering on that   
shining edge, wanting to fall, wanting to watch Remus as he fell   
too, and then Remus cried out, his face glorious flushed as he came,   
and Severus let go too, one last snap of his hips carrying him over.  
  
He slumped against the wall, and Remus slumped against him, their   
panting breaths mingling in the aftermath of release. With a soft   
hum, Remus nuzzled Severus' cheek and beneath his chin, and when   
he straightened at last, Severus was smugly satisfied to see Remus'   
face relaxed with obvious satiation.  
  
"That was wonderful," Remus said at last, his voice deep and lazy.   
"But really, Severus, you have _got_ to do something about   
all those damned buttons."

* * *

"Well, is it everything you thought it would be?"  
  
Severus had been leaning on the rail of their balcony, gazing out   
at the gathering twilight, the sea turning darker as the sun faded,   
casting its last glimmers on the endless waves, but at the sound   
of Remus' voice, he straightened and turned toward Remus to admire   
a very different view. After three days in Tahiti, Remus' skin was   
turning golden, and the sun was bringing out the highlights in his   
hair; dressed in loose khaki trousers and a white linen shirt (conveniently   
left unbuttoned) and no shoes, he presented quite a temptation.  
  
"Yes," he replied, leaning against Remus' side as Remus slid one   
arm around his waist. "I never imagined the world could be so vibrant."  
  
"Does this mean you don't regret not being in the Great Hall, wearing   
a paper hat from a cracker right now?" Remus teased, and Severus   
shot him an annoyed look.  
  
"I don't miss any of it," he stated flatly. "My only regret at this   
moment is that we'll have to go back after New Year's."  
  
"It's all very well to want to run off somewhere, but you ought   
to make sure you'll actually like it first," Remus replied in a   
pragmatic tone. "Besides, we should at least finish out the year   
before making Minerva search for suitable candidates to fill two   
positions."  
  
"I would have thought you would want to stay." Severus glanced sidelong   
at him, but Remus smiled and shook his head.  
  
"It would be nice to have a stable job, but I've never been one   
to get attached to places," he said. "I'm accustomed to moving around   
out of necessity, but I'd like to travel because I _want_ to   
for a change. Besides, I've seen very little of the world, and I   
would like to see more - much more." He turned to face Severus and   
tightened his arm around him. "Our lives have been so narrow and   
bounded by other people's restrictions until now. Let's not waste   
any more time."  
  
"Agreed." Severus trailed his forefinger down the center of Remus'   
chest between the open folds of his shirt, pleased when he felt   
Remus shiver in response. "Starting now."  
  
"Agreed," Remus said, his voice husky - a tone that boded well.   
He reached out to unbutton Severus' shirt, which was black linen   
with long sleeves and a high collar. Severus wasn't quite ready   
to bare much of his body to the tropical sun yet, although Remus   
had been trying to coax him out from beneath the beach umbrella   
and into the ocean.  
  
Leaning in, Remus captured Severus' mouth, coaxing Severus' lips   
apart with his tongue and claiming Severus' mouth thoroughly as   
he shoved Severus' shirt down and off his arms. As soon as he was   
free of the garment, Severus wound his arms around Remus and arched   
against him, aroused by Remus' aggression as he always was. He yielded   
as Remus devoured his mouth, loving the unspoken demand and need   
\- all for him. With Remus, he felt like the focus of Remus' desire,   
not like an object of convenient lust. He felt wanted and safe and   
\- happy.  
  
The realization was startling, but it was also undeniable. He felt   
more than mere satisfaction or contentment; he felt _happy_   
for the first time in longer than he could remember. Remus had been   
right in saying Severus had been as happy as he could be the first   
time around, but his happiness had been tempered by the knowledge   
of the burdens placed on his shoulders thanks to his role in the   
war, burdens that had grown steadily heavier. But now, the war was   
over, and Severus was free of all constraints, and this time, his   
happiness was far more unfettered.  
  
Moaning, he rubbed his bare chest against Remus' in a sudden surge   
of need and aggression, and he buried his fingers in Remus' hair,   
anchoring him in place. The kisses went on and on, one flowing into   
another until Severus was drunk on kissing, and yet he still wanted   
more. A lifetime wouldn't be enough to make up for all the time   
they had lost and all the kisses they had not shared - especially   
those that went to _her_ , those stolen kisses that rightfully   
belonged to Severus.  
  
When Remus began guiding him toward the bed, he went willingly,   
and a hungry groan escaped him when Remus spun him around; he didn't   
wait for Remus to reach around to unfasten his trousers, doing it   
himself instead, and their four hands made short work of pushing   
both his trousers and underpants down to his ankles. Remus didn't   
wait long enough to let Severus step out of them before bending   
him over the side of the bed and kneeling behind him, and Severus   
felt the unmistakable tingle of a Scourgify spell mere seconds before   
Remus grabbed his arse, parted his cheeks, and began teasing his   
puckered entrance.  
  
Severus didn't even try to hold back the cry that sprang to his   
lips, and he rocked back as Remus circled the tight ring of muscle,   
making Severus quiver as neglected nerve endings came to life, and   
then Remus pushed his tongue in, thrusting and withdrawing in a   
maddening tease until Severus was moaning continuously and rocking   
against the bed. He whimpered when Remus drew away, feeling bereft,   
but then he felt the tap of Remus' wand against his hip, and the   
charms to stretch and prepare him took effect, making his breath   
catch with anticipation.  
  
Remus stood and grasped Severus' hip with one hand, and Severus   
could feel the blunt nudge of Remus' cock against his entrance,   
and he curled his fingers into the covers, his body taut with need.   
"Please!" he gasped, and with a low, throaty chuckle, Remus obliged,   
entering him with one swift, hard thrust, wrenching another cry   
from his throat from sheer relief at being filled at last. And then   
Remus began to move, rocking in and out, pushing deep each time,   
and Severus chanted a mindless litany of "yes" and "Remus" and "fuck   
me".  
  
Finally - finally! - Remus growled and crouched over him, his fingers   
digging into Severus' hips hard enough to leave bruises as he pounded   
into Severus, taking him hard and fast and rough, and Severus loved   
it, loved the slap of Remus' hips against his arse, loved the feel   
of Remus' desperation and need, loved the way his body rocked helplessly   
with every forceful thrust, and he wanted _more_ , wanted more   
of Remus' thick cock filling him and fucking him until his entire   
world dwindled down to nothing more than their joined bodies caught   
in a rhythmic, primal dance.  
  
When Remus slid one arm around Severus' waist and curled his fingers   
around Severus' cock, it took only a few swift strokes, and then   
Severus was crying out, coming so hard that he was left light-headed   
and breathless in the aftermath, moaning as Remus slammed into his   
pliant body again and again until he too shuddered with release.  
  
Somehow, they managed to crawl onto the bed and collapsed against   
each other; Severus kicked off his trousers and underpants so that   
Remus could slide his thigh between Severus' legs as he liked to   
do, and they lay together in companionable silence, panting and   
sated.  
  
"Where do you want to go next?" Remus asked at last. "We have plenty   
of time to make plans."  
  
"I picked Tahiti," Severus pointed out. "It's your turn to choose   
a destination."  
  
"Greece." Remus' response was immediate, seeming to require no thought.   
"And after that?"  
  
"Japan."  
  
Remus' eyes lit up. "Will you wear a kimono for me and put your   
hair up?"  
  
Severus raised one eyebrow at him, but the hungry gleam in Remus'   
eyes convinced him it was worth trying at least once. "If you like.   
After that?"  
  
"After that... who knows? I may want to linger among the cherry   
blossoms for a while if you look as good in a kimono as I think   
you will." Remus nestled closer, smiling. "I've had enough of maps   
and plans for one lifetime. Let's just go where the wind takes us."  
  
Severus settled in and nodded drowsily. "The world or bust."


End file.
